Crackdown player to co-op teammate: “In real life I’d have
four stars at doing your mum”

Two friends playing free-roaming vigilante sim "Crackdown" were not talking last night after casual banter "got out of hand" and turned "really fucking personal".

David Ashton and Simon Donaldson had linked up their Xboxes in order defeat the Shai-Gen gang’s Asian crimelord, Wang, when trouble flared.

“We started off with the usual: making fun of the fact that the boss’s name is ‘Wang’, which is another term for penis,” explained Ashton. “I asked Simon if he was going to ‘go down hard’ on Wang. He responded by saying he thought it was my turn to ‘take him out and beat him off’ - which didn’t really work as a joke, but wasn’t bad considering we were both quite drunk by then anyway.”

“Then Simon got a strength upgrade by kicking a guy to death, so I said: ‘dude, you may be able to pick up vehicles weighing up to two tons and throw them an average of 250 yards and shit, but in real life my mad skills let me pick up the ladies,' and gave him the ol' click click and gun fingers."

The comment started off a competition between the two to see who could come up with the most imaginative real-life application of Crackdown’s rules for improving skills by performing tasks over and over again to level up.

“Dave came up with some lame shit about getting girls,” said Donaldson. “So I said, ‘the only thing you could excel at is a) taking it in the butt and b) fetching me another beer’.”

Consuming the beer after it was delivered prompted Ashton to then claim that he would have four stars at belching, which in the game is the highest level of expertise possible.

“So I laughed, ‘in that case I’d have four stars at fucking your mum’,” said Donaldson, “And Dave went all quiet.”

Donaldson claims he tried to make amends by reassuring Ashton that his mother was in fact far too ugly for him to be sexually attracted to, but he could tell that something was still wrong.

“We got to all the way to Wang and then, right at the last minute Dave kicks me off the top of the building, jumps down after me and runs me over in a car,” said Donaldson. “So I told him he could include ‘being a dick’ in his list of four-star talents.”

This comment initiated a sequence of events which resulted in Donaldson shouting after a retreating Ashton that he could also add to the list: “slapping like a bitch”, “spilling beer everywhere like a prick” and “storming out like a whiny little ten year old”.

Wang remains at large.

A single kick to a team-mate can be
explained as an accident, but
is harder to justify when followed
by several minutes of stamping
on their crotch

Donaldson: "You know how I know you're gay?
You went into the men's toilets once
and a bunch of blue spheres with penises
in followed you out when you left"

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