Issue 2, 29/12/06

 

 

Writing a football game review is the "worst job ever"

Gamestaster magazine writer Steve Johnson is “seriously doing [his] nut” trying to find something new to say about the latest update of the popular football game series Football 3000 Plus.

“Everyone has seen everything that this pissy little non-event of an update has to offer a hundred times before! Everything!” ranted a visibly distressed Johnson.

With his deadline fast approaching, Johnson said he has tried a number of different approaches to try to make his review stand out in a marketplace already saturated by derivative reviews of football games which, in turn, are not even trying to stand out in a marketplace already saturated by completely derivative competitors.

“Well, ok, how about a kind of…thing, where it’s two commentators talking to each other? Something like: Ooh, Terry, you can change tactics on the fly by pressing a shoulder button. Oh, yes Bob, that’s a lovely little touch!”, said Johnson, before dismissing the idea as one of the worst he had ever had in his life.

“It’s tempting just to give it a really high score just so I can do something short and sweet like write ‘GOOOOAAAAAL!!! 90%!!’ or some crap, but it’s a 40 per center at best and that would be betraying my journalistic integrity”, said Johnson, who trained for six months as a telemarketer before the writing job came up through a friend at the company.

Johnson explains that his frustration stems from the inescapable facts that a) the only people who are going to buy this game are those who own all the sequels already and b) those same people are still going to buy this game regardless, no matter how rubbish it is, and therefore there’s no point writing about it at all.

“And c) they’re all probably illiterate as well, so I might as well write a piece slagging off their mums because they’re never going to read what I write anyway”, added Johnson.

“The truth is, this is crap of the most fearsome order, for which the developers were paid an obscene amount of money which still probably wasn’t sufficient to buy enough cocaine to dull the terminal sense of worthlessness they all must have felt when they initially ass-birthed this horrific abortion of a non-event out into the world.”

For a moment, Johnson’s eyes light up, but after a call to his editor and being told that under no circumstances will the magazine, aimed primarily at 12 year olds, print the term "ass-birthed abortion", he returns to his original state of despair.








 



Football: intrinsically awful

 



Something else more interesting
than football

 

 

"Using Wii Remote whilst being a fucking idiot may result in broken TVs, injury and/or death"
– Nintendo

Fans of being astonishingly stupid were left reeling last night after “family orientated” videogame maker Nintendo dropped the nice guy act and lashed out at gamers so inept that they are throwing their Wii Remotes at each other and through their TVs when attempting to play games.

“Stop trying to sue us just because your fat ugly momma drank and smoked crack whilst she was pregnant and now you need a reinforced wrist strap so you don’t injure yourself with our controllers, dickholes”, read the first line of a strongly-worded press release from Nintendo, which has been described as an “astonishing departure from the norm” for the company, which in the past has traded heavily on its “friendly” image.

“When we first envisioned the Wii console, we wanted something that even a complete moron could pick up and play,” the release continued, “It seems we’ve failed on this count.

“In future we will add a disclaimer to all Wii-related products to indicate that, whilst suitable for those aged eight to 80, if you have a family history of being wilfully pig-ignorant to the point of mental retardation, you may want to put down the controller and step away from the console before you hurt your thick-ass self.”

Nintendo helpfully supplied a list of other things that gamers who found themselves not quite up to the challenge of holding an object in their hands for an extended period of time without dropping it, throwing it through the nearest TV/window or using it as an offensive weapon might also want to avoid, including (but not limited to):

Eating with a fork
Masturbating
Ironing
Washing whilst in prison showers

“Anyone with any further questions should please click on this hyperlink:
www.toostupidtolive.com
In the event that the link does not work, please continue to click until hunger cramps, delusion and finally death sets in. Thank you for your co-operation”, the release concluded.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nintendo wants to help those who might get injured playing a video game


not an advertisement

 

Shadowman

Shadowman: "You're just a scared little puppy dog, pissing your frilly little panties."
Dr. Victor " the Lizard King" Batrachian: "Now you're mixing metaphors."
"Oh, mixing metaphors is it - how about this (punches Batrachian in the face) my Violator fits like a glove – how does it smell? Terrible."
"But...but that's not even..."
(Shadowman shoots him in the knee)
"How you like my grammar now? Huh? Want to try for a dangling modifier?"
"I...oh god...my eyes!"
(Shadowman pecker-slaps him to death)
"All your souls are belong to me. Bitch."

 

Fahrenheit

Carla: "Oh, Lucas, that was wonderful!"
Lucas: "..."
"I've never been so fulfilled – can we cuddle for a bit?"
"..."
"Lucas?"
...*death rattle*
"Oh....gross."












 


NBA Street "In Da Hood""

Commentator: Ohhhhhhhhhh! That right there – that right there is what they call "Ghetto Rejection" - that's...that's cold. That's just straight up cold murder. Literally, murder. With a shotgun. Damn.

That's it. Game over...that's it.

....damn."


   
 
 




Gamestaster magazine
reviews Football 3000 Plus:
"GOOOOAAAAAL!!!! 90%!!!!"




DOA's Tomonobu Itagaki writes letter of
complaint to chloroform company