Issue 3, 25/1/07
|
Drug
addicts to be offered
A trial programme to wean hardcore drug abusers off their habits has just been announced by the government, and it will work by instead offering them the only known substance more addictive than crack – World of Warcraft. David Cameron, the ultra-hip neo-conservative MP who once met with popular hip-hop artist “RhymeFast” and killed him in a battle of words, is behind the scheme. "Groucho Marx said that religion was the opium of the masses. He had obviously never spent time as one of the eight million players in the World of Warcraft. Or on crack, for that matter," said Cameron, misattributing the quote from Karl Marx who regardless died a century before the invention of the home computer. “The idea is simple: get all the smackheads, junkies and crackwhores in off the street and sat in front of the computer,” he continued. "Then give them a choice of character and race and let them set off to make a fresh start with a whole new life and identity. They can even join parties of likeminded people and make an entirely fictional contribution to the world in general. “Except those who
chose to play as gnomes, that is; they will all be rounded up and
pepper-sprayed in the face because in my experience all gnome players
are appalling little tits.” |
|
 Now a fully fledged level 38 Night Elf druid, Michael permits himself to be washed, groomed and fed |
||
Stamper brothers shaft Microsoft something phenomenal
“I even had time to sabotage some of the facilities in the third floor toilets on the way out,” said Tim, patting his stomach meaningfully. The two maverick developers allowed their company, Rare, to be bought by Microsoft under the pretence that they would continue to release triple-A quality titles like those that previously brought joy to a generation of gamers. Instead, they produced “Perfect Dark Zero”, “Kameo – Elements of Potential” and “Viva Pinata”, a game about growing grey animals by planting rabbit droppings in a garden and then colouring them in by drawing directly onto your monitor with a crayon. The two, who are now both multi-millionaires several times over thanks to the original buy-out, already have ideas for what the future holds. Chris said, “All that’s left now is to slowly bleed our old staff back from Microsoft and start over again from the beginning, but this time doing good games again.” Chairman of Microsoft, Bill Gates, was reportedly furious at the cocky manner in which the two left the building on their last day, sporting tuxedos and driving off in a fast sports car. Gates,
who was last seen stroking his laptop behind a massive steel desk
in his giant mansion which has been carved out of the side of
a cliff, could not be contacted for comment.
|
One
of the interchangeable Stamper brothers, |
|
|
||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
||
