Issue 4, 18/3/07
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"God of War 3 will be mobile-phone-only racing game" – David Jaffe
Now its creator, David Jaffe, is being forced to churn out a third game in the series, and has announced his complete and utter indifference at the prospect. “Ugh,” said Jaffe, when contacted for comment. “Pffffff…yah. So.” “Hmm. God of War threeeeee. Phew.” “Well, we’ve pretty much done everything we can in terms of brutal animations. I mean, for the first two games you were able to rip guys in half, pull the wings off harpies, unscrew Medusa’s head, and smash your chain knives into the eyes of a hydra before dragging its face down slowly onto a giant spike,” said the director, hailed as one of the most promising creatives of videogaming's future. “I mean, we really pushed it. I was surprised they let us keep the whole ‘cutting the Cyclops’s johnson off and ramming it down his throat to choke him to death on it’ thing. We had a guy take a week of work sick after we finished that scene.” A team member leans over and whispers in his ear. “What? Aw man…goddamn censors.” “The point is,” he continued, “I just don’t care anymore. La la la la la. You want me to do another one? Fine. I’m contractually obliged to. But it’s my vision and oh! Oh…what’s this? I see…I see Kratos! Yes! He’s…he’s in a go-kart on a mobile phone! Yeah! Or a party-game of some sort, based around mini-games where he has to catch eggs in a basket.” “I’m a visionary! What can you do? The ideas…they just come to me!” Jaffe concluded, before opening his desk drawer and taking out a large, half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels. In unrelated news, Sony has announced its ongoing commitment to innovation in electronic entertainment with the upcoming release of John Madden 2008, a motion-sensitive joypad and a means of creating heat by banging two rocks together near some dry wood, which it is attempting to patent under the name “fire”.
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 Sony's "Head of Ideas and Business Innovation", hard at work, yesterday. |
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Hotel Dusk: the Novel The following is an extract which, thanks to being completely impenetrable, is largely spoiler free. “You enter your room. It is caked in grime, and the ephemeral voices of a million unborn children screech a dirge of unrealised potential at you from the depths of your soiled mattress. You decide to sleep on the floor. The bellboy knocks. He says something about something to do with something that happened in someone’s past over the course of several pages of text. You ask him to repeat himself. You still have no idea what he’s talking about. A girl appears. Then is gone again. You’re some kind of delivery guy. Or maybe a truck driver. You’re not sure – you didn’t really pay attention at the start, because the illustrations made you think of that song by Ah-Ha, and then about that episode of Family Guy where Chris falls into the freezer and gets caught up in the “Take on Me” video. Anyway. You’re here in this hotel to find out who killed your brother. Or was it because some guy loaned you a book that turned out to be porn and then tried to blackmail you? No, that was “The Long Goodbye”. Or was it “The Big Sleep?” That’s really going to bug you now. Your suitcase is locked. You decide to pick the lock with a coat-hanger you saw by the door. For some reason, you’re not allowed to because you haven’t spoken to the fat hotel owner in the wife-beater downstairs yet. Something happens…something else happens…. It was definitely “The Big Sleep.” You know because you always get that confused with “The Big Lebowski” – the scene where the Dude is dancing down all the bowling alleys cracks you up every time. Something happens in the game that you weren’t paying attention to, and now you don’t know where to go because you didn’t write it down in your notebook. You hire
a hooker, take a bunch of heroin and kill yourself messily in
the bath.”
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 Iwata |
Hello everyone! My name is Mister Iwata-san and today, rather than speaking to the press, I am going to to tell you personally all about how my beautiful invention, the Wii, came into existence! Here it is! Look! See its smooth and flowing lines? One interesting thing about the Wii is that it did not start out looking like this! No indeed! Here to tell you about how the orginal design was going to be different, is one of my many engineers. His name is complicated – more than three syllables – and this is too difficult for stupid Westerners. Also, he is not very important, so we will just call him "Jonny". Jonny, tell us, was the Wii orginally a very different console than my glorious vision? |
 The Wii |
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Jonny: Originally, the Wii was a very different console than your glorious vision, Iwata-san. |
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Iwata: Your family will eat tonight, Jonny! Now, here to tell us a little more about how I polished the hideous turd of an idea that Jonny first brought to me into the shining, promiscuous diamond it is today, is Mr. Nancy. |
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 Mr. Nancy |
Mr. Nancy: Oh well hello! |
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Iwata: Thank you. |
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Well yahs! As you can see, Jonny really did not try very hard. His original design was based on a sammich maker. He said
that putting it into a stand it on its side would open up whole
new methods of gameplay! But all it did was make sammiches. |
 The original Wii |
Iwata: Do you remember how I solved this design problem, Jonny-san? |
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Jonny: Yes. You told me that if I did not do better, you would personally kick-fuck me so hard that I would give birth to a shoe. |
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Happy days indeed. Now, to finish off, I would like to invite someone very special in to talk about the development of the controller...
(sound of banjo Bluegrass fills the air) |
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"Albert": Yippers-kay ai, monster-funsters! |
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Mr. Nancy: Dada da da da DA! (Dum!) Do do do do doo-be-do do! It's-a me! Mario! |
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"Albert": Thank you. Now, when I designed the original controller, I tried to imagine what the colour of a child's smile would taste like! Num num num num num! (he picks up a controller from the desk and hold it above his head) |
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Mr. Nancy: DA DA DA DAAAAA! |
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....continued over 37 pages for the next 17 weeks.
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