Issue 6, 25/5/07

 

 

Tony Hawk's player now sees "rad grinds and jumps" wherever he goes


After almost two solid months of playing the latest "Tony Hawk's" skateboarding-themed free-roaming adventure game, a simple walk down the street has non-skater Kyle Brydon imagining all the different tricks he could perform if he were able to transfer his videogame skills to the real world.

"Man, that fire hydrant SO needs a sweet ollying," said Brydon, a 23 year-old student from Cambridge. "Seriously, if I were the Hawk, I would kick-flip the shit out of that parked car, wall-ride up that side of that building and then grind the awning over that shop all the way to the end, leap off and land it all for a totally sick score of like, a million points. I can totally see it."

Despite never actually having used a skateboard, Brydon says that the hours spent playing the game has allowed him to appreciate everyday items such as railings, benches, telegraph poles and even homeless people sleeping in the street in an entirely new light.

Brydon reports that in addtion to his newfound ability to mentally map out an alternate, skateboard-based route to any street he happens to be passing, his taste in music has also changed since playing the game.

Previously a fan of trance and house, he now finds himself drawn to "more grungy tracks" such as those from Linkin Park and Nine Inch Nails, featured on the game's soundtrack – bands which, Brydon admits, he had up until recently thought of as "really gay."

The final change that has come about is to his vocabulary. The privately educated, middle-class gamer now finds his speech peppered with terms such as "rad", "sick", "gnarly" and, once, "tubular" – which appears nowhere in the game and was originally coined as surfing terminology.

"Kyle's always banging on about 'popping a boner' or 'grabbing a stiffy' over this or that when we go out," said one of Brydon's three housemates, who did not want to be named and associated with his co-inhabitant. "It's completely embarrassing. He only plays that stupid game because he's so shit at the beat-em-ups the rest of us play."

"What a fucking idiot."

 

 


 


 



Brydon constantly imagines himself
performing scenery-incorporating stunts
while gathering a set number of collectibles





A high street, overlaid with Brydon's mental
map of an alternative route (right to left)


 

 

"Killer 7" creator Suda Goichi speaks cheerfully of dead prostitutes hidden in Grasshopper's basement


Eccentric head of Grasshopper Studio, Suda "51" Goichi, left a videogame journalist unsure whether he was joking or not after an interview where he stated he had murdered several women in the course of researching horror-shooter "Killer 7".

The comments were made off-handedly during an explanation of the painstaking research that had gone into every detail of the game. This included Goichi role-playing as each of the split-personalities exhibited by the game's central protagonist, Garcian Smith, and performing at least one killing "in character".

At first the reporter, seeming not to register what had been said, simply nodded and smiled to encourage Goichi to continue talking. As the developer began to discuss the difficulties of lighting sources when dealing with cell-shaded graphics, however, a look of slight confusion appeared on the reporter's face.

"Sorry to interrupt you there, Suda," he said. "But did you just say that you murdered people as research?"

"Yes," replied Goichi. "As I said, realism is very important to us. To ensure that I truly was able to get into the mind of a multiple-personality serial killer, I of course had to abduct and murder a number of prostitutes whilst in character."

Apparently completely oblivious to the look of slack-jawed disbelief on his interviewer's face, Goichi went on to joke: "Fitting into a skirt to do a killing as Kaede was a little tricky! But fortunately, as she was the fourth or fifth one on the list, there was already a range of dresses laying around not being used, and I was able to find one that fit."

When later contacted, Grasshopper Studio issued a release to say that the comments had been made as a "big, funny joke," by "one of the most creative and not-at-all slightly unhinged developers of the modern world".

In an unrelated release, the studio has also announced that it will soon be moving to new premises and work to "fill the entire lower level of the current facilities with concrete as a foundation for further construction", will begin soon.

 

 

 

 

 

 



Goichi: "The trick to getting them in the
car was to tell them I was a big fan of
the film 'Pretty Woman'. Of course,
this was a lie"

 

The gruesome "Killer 7" featured a split-personality assassin guided by a paraplegic preacher dominated
over by a maschocistic nurse. Players were
frequently aided by gimp-suit bound
Iwazaru, above. The game narrowly missed
being awarded a "U" rating








not an advertisement


 


Welcome to the government-issued self-help booklet for terminally confused World of Warcraft players!

First of all: Don't worry; there are no "quest objectives" to track! LOL! Rather, this leaflet has been produced to help World of Warcraft players maintain an understanding of the divide between fantasy and reality.

It is a well-documented fact that for some people, life can get a little confusing. For evidence, rollover the image below.

 


As a World of Warcraft player, you may think that someone in the real world wants to know about your latest adventure to go and remove a penny from a goblin's bottom, or that they even remotely give a shit about what you chose to name your in-game pet.

They do not.

Listed here are some other handy tips on things that you might be tempted to try when you are <AFK>.

Do not.

 

 

Number 1:

Attempting to "hold aggro" in a street fight
will get you killed.

 

 

Number 2:

Your character may be an "expert leatherworker",
but you are not.

Unless your name is James Dyson, no-one
wants to buy shit that you made yourself.

Number 3:

Going out and murdering animals with a big hammer does not make you a hero.

It makes you a dick.

 

 

 

 

 

Number 4:

There are no such things as Spirit Healers.

Killing yourself after a long trip somewhere will not
let you warp back to your home town with
only a small penalty.

It will make you dead.

 

 
 

 

 
 




Pokemon-themed playtime
ends in tears as "Hamsterchu"
proves no match for "Kittysaurus"




Gamer wins tenth consecutive round of
Tekken, patents new,
ass-based celebration dance