Issue 7, 29/6/07
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Videogame characters' discussion over who has the best finishing moves degenerates into violence "surprisingly fast"
After hours of quiet but solid drinking in the "Duck and Cover" public house, four of videogames most excessively violent characters became embroiled in an argument over who had the best finishing move, resulting in scenes that one drinker described as "astonishingly brutal, even for Watford". "The thing about you," began a visibly inebriated Quan Chi, addressing fellow Mortal Kombat character Scorpion, "The thing about you...is that you've got no style." At first witnesses say the yellow-clad assassin ignored the taunts, concentrating instead on his pint of Ruddles. But as the verbal tirade continued, with the necromancer accusing him first of lacking imagination in his fatalities in earlier games and then simply trading in on his similarity to Sub-Zero as his popularity began to wane, Scorpion began to grow agitated, asking what made Quan Chi "think he was so damn special". "Humour," was the reply. "All the blood'n...stuff in the world's no good if there's not something a little funny in there." "Take my leg rip – now thash' brilliant!" (Quan Chi first shot to fame in the N64 version of Mortal Kombat with a finishing move that saw him pulling off his downed opponents leg and beating them to death with it.) "It cracksh me up everytime!" continued Chi, emphasising his point by waving his arm around, spilling beer over Manhunt's James Earl Cash, who began hefting a glass ashtray. "I mean - they alwaysh try to crawl away! I'm like...buddy, I've got your leg! Where are you going!? That'sh funny!" "Yeah," chipped in the God Hand, "Like look at me; I'll piledriver a guy into the floor headfirst, which is all well and good, but then the little touch that makes that move is the little spank on the ass I give the guy as he collapses into a puddle of shattered vertebrae, right?" "Yeah," responded Chi, "But your problem is yer a fuckin' pussy. Thas' what it ish. Is. God Finger my arsh. Hey! Hahahaha! 'Finger my arsh'! Hahahaha!" Seeming
to take that as an invitation of sorts, Cash, who had now been building
up to the moment for the better part of a minute, brought the ashtray
down on Chi's head, clubbing him repeatedly in a frenzy before dragging
his body off towards the toilets. "Bitchslapped says what?", said the God Hand. "What?" replied Scorpion, as the God Hand activated his namesake and backhanded him through several walls. "See?
I can do funny." |
Left to right: James Earl Cash (Manhunt) |
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QA tester "sick to the goddamn back teeth" of boss's "can do" attitude
David Lorases, quality assurance tester for Infrogrames "Deer Hunter" game has had it "literally to here" with the constant "pro-active, not-a-challenge" attitude of his boss. Lorases said that his boss, John Redbank, who recently attended an "Empower your Person, People and (work) Place" seminar which is intended to "teach a can-do attitude and positive approach to difficulties" has "just gone mental"."My whole job is to look for mistakes in a game – but now I can't call them mistakes or point out anything as being wrong because that's apparently too critical of the developers!" said the 17-year-old. "The dude has me looking for bugs on these stupid redneck hunting games, but I'm not allowed to call them bugs" said Lorases. "I have to call them 'unintended opportunities for embetterment' – dude, doubleyou tee eff, you know what I mean? The crazy thing is, I love finding bugs! I eat them for breakfast! My nickname around here is the 'bug-fucker' – and in the good way!" Lorases said since the new rules came into play, he's having to simply watch as horrific, glaring errors in the game get passed, and wants to know what his boss intends to do about the practical aspect of having a game riddled with "challenges". "I'm not really sure," said Redbank. "That was going to be dealt with in the second half of the seminar, but I had to leave early because I got a call from the office saying there was a shit-load of opportunities for embetterment just come out of nowhere with three days before we go alpha, and I'd better haul my ass back home."
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The "Deerhumper" glitch was one of Lorases' |
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with Julian Frondsworthy III,
Psychopath
Oh, good afternoon! Firstly, allow me to offer my thanks for your taking the time to read my little column! There's something I've been needing to get off my chest.
You see, I'm in a bit of a bother over the announcement that the British Board of Film Classification has banned Manhunt 2. It's most vexing.
You see, I am a psychopath.
By this I mean that I am a stone cold, balls-to-the-wall, violent degenerate who obtains his enjoyment from watching and participating in violence. Why, if only you could see what I'm doing right now to the defenceless old lady whose home I broke into to pen this little missive!Yes, I am a nasty, quite likely mentally-ill menace. And I like playing games like Manhunt! Violent, depraved games – "murder-simulators" if you will.
Not in an ironic, way, I hasten to add!
I really do enjoy the sadistic, lingering death scenes and the feeling that I'm really there, really doing these torturous, appalling acts upon a fellow human being.When I heard that you could actually mimic throttling someone with the cord on the Wii...well, I can't tell you how much I was looking forward to it!
"Well now!" I hear you cry, "If you're quite so jolly nasty and Manhunt is the sort of game you like, isn't it just right that filth like you should be stopped from playing it? We don't want you getting any ideas, do we?"
Ah, but my dear friend (and I do hope that someday soon we can meet and become friends) there's one other thing about me that you should also know.
Like many other dangerous psychopaths, I'm also really quite lazy.
I would much rather sit and play a game involving killing than actually go through all the hassle of assembling a murder kit by bidding on various items through separate accounts on eBay, wandering out in the cold and dark and actually taking the time and effort to act out my sick desires for brutality.
I know, it's not quite the same thing at all, doing it on a computer screen, but games like Manhunt...they do get closer and closer to something that does at least flick the same sorts of switches in my head.
Ah! Perhaps a comparison.
A girlfriend has always been something that appeals to me from time to time. Perhaps to you too. But to go out and get one of those, well, I appreciate it's a lot of time and hassle, and then quite likely a bit of a pain afterwards.
I find, as I'm sure many of you "normals" do too, that a quick session on the internet often
provides the necessary release to take the edge off things.
I know – pleasuring oneself in front of a monitor is no real substitute for the love of a good woman.
But quite often, it'll do – am I not right?
Oh yes, and to the argument that "some were born a psychopath, whilst other have a path of psychopathy thrust upon them by violent videogames", allow me to say one thing:
Between a theoretical violent murder who exists only, as it were, in potentia, and the very real nut-job fingering his knife at the desk right now and wondering how to kill some time...
I promise you that I am very much the one you want to worry about.
Good evening!
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